The Foxy MBA's Guide to Everything Important

2012-02-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

Today we have a guest author: Alyssa-Marie Pauline from Portland, OR. I was surprised to discover this entry on her blog, as much of what this blog has been about has been the need for societal context to straighten itself out if love itself is to be preserved. I had been considering the reverse, the need for love to be preserved if society is to be overhauled substantially, and found more than one "independent confirmation" had surfaced in my world with the idea. Here is Alyssa-Marie's version:

What is Love? (Pass it along);

So I’d like to take a serious moment here (gasp, I know) - to speak my peace on a matter I feel very strongly about; Love. No, not the oy-he’s/she’s-so-fine-wanna-make-him/her-mine kind of love, & not the ‘honeymoon phase’-of-having-a-new-beau type of love either. The real thing; the love you hold that has no label to it, no strings attached. Just pure, straight from the soul, unconditioned, untainted love. Not sure what I’m getting at? Yeah, that’s the problem. In these times, love is a rarity. Some-THING many people cannot even grasp, because society has dealt love to be some generic concept. And just that, love is defined as some-thing, not simply as love. Allow me to elaborate, if you will;

Can anyone actually explain love? Even in the simplest of forms, say to a child - how would you define to them what love is? Think on that for a moment. What do you come up with? A lot of symbolic examples? Metaphors? An attempt at explaining an emotion? You might be saying, ‘Well, how else are you supposed to define love?’ — Aha - exactly my point. Defining love. Is there such? If you look up the word in the dictionary, it reads out that love is a strong emotion, a passionate affection, a personal attachment. But that’s merely an attempt to elaborate on some word. Again, we’re getting nowhere. Why? Because, my belief, Love is undefinable. It doesn’t need an explanation, or thousands of examples & metaphors. We don’t need to think on it. And we shouldn’t. Because love simply is.

If you’re to attach love to anything, make it an action. The small gesture of a smile to complete strangers, a compliment, a favor made (with no expectations), an honest remark to your friend (even if they won’t like what you have to say). Love isn’t a word to think about and define. Love is an awareness. Love is honesty. Love is happiness shared. Love is an action. And this is what we need in the world; naturally pure, non-judging, unlabeled, unconditional love.

So, I ask you to partake in this radical movement of mine. A love revolution. Where you don’t think on love, you do it. Start with yourself, your family & friends, then continue with neighbors and by-passers. Hold it in, pass it along.

*Radiate Love.*

Valentine's Eve

2012-02-13T18:21:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Whether you celebrate it or not is up to you. Either way is OK! Else it wouldn't be much of a love holiday.

Saturday Morning

2011-10-08T13:16:00.001-07:00

Sitting in a coffee shop having tea (I gotta be me) and playing with my PDA. I find my attention lingering a little too long on a twenty-something woman who is the only person in line but has been getting her order "filled" for the last five minutes. She showed up in sandals and socks and a tank top that must be on its fourth owner, and I am not half as deterred as I should be: I am, to put it bluntly, staring. I have gotten three rather perplexed glances from her, probably more concerned about potential criminality on my part than in perception of the retroactively obvious.

I have expended considerable effort to keep my attention from wandering from my wife during our marriage of 19 years. I could justify it easily enough by citing her declining health over the last decade, but the truth of the matter is that I seem always to have been wired this way. The only thing that has really slowed me down as a "cheat" over the years has been a strong construction of the notion and nature of personal integrity (the full scope of which is beyond the topic at hand). The conflict has NOT gotten less pronounced over the years: I have lost a step since I was 21, but I seem not to have lost any more than that.

Hunter Thompson used the word "atavistic" to describe Las Vegas in his book set in this city, and forty years later, the term still fits. It is a city that has had no business model beyond "People from other states can bring money here and leave it when they go away again. " It found a way to trash its economy DESPITE the gambling crescendo of the last twenty years. It is trying to sell its local culture as "LA Lite," but I expect residents of southern California would be sophisticated enough to laugh off the idea. The social environment of southern Nevada is too nouveau, too petty, too deliberately nervous, too lacking in relaxed and easy magnaminity to pass for the image or the reality of tens of millions of people screwing in hot tubs. (Another capsule characterzation of Vegas from Thompson: "Bush league sex." Consider yourself warned.)

I stopped apologizing to myself for my "polyamorous" (I hate that word) nature several years ago. But I find that Vegas indulges a "party atmosphere" only when it can be sure it has complete control of such an atmosphere, and unlike the locals, I recognize the implications. I've lived in enough different cities that I know how the local culture can vary on this point, and I know it isn't "just me." (I will refrain from suggesting that when you're losing to ATLANTA on this point, you have some work to do. ) And I know the woman in the sandals and socks and tank top is going home alone this morning and would be even if I had never put on a ring in my life. What happens here is only a simulation of enjoyment, and you knew that coming in, didn't you?

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New Blog by Pattie and Carl

2011-10-04T18:09:00.001-07:00

Pattie and I will begin a new blog on the Psychology Today website on October 10! The title will be "CWD." The acronym officially stands for "Couple With Disabilites," but we have a few more ideas about what it should stand for, and as the blog progresses, you can be sure we'll throw them in. :) Here's the video announcement of the blog:

New Twitter Account

2011-09-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

Readers of the Foxy MBA's Guide can also get tidbits via Twitter through following @FoxyMBA now. Get your sex to go!

Love is Revolutionary

2011-08-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a fairly short and sweet thought, but it occurred to me today that the most revolutionary act is to love, especially in a capitalistic society. People who want to sell you something always want you to hate something: how you look, how you smell, how you think, how you talk and so forth. If you hate, then you are looking for a solution and they are all too happy to sell you one. But if you love, then you feel satisfaction and contentment. If you love you understand the world around you. If you love then all you need is more love.

Love is revolutionary. So today I will fight the good fight by remember who I love and who I am and who I can be.

For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing. Once we know the extenty to which we are capable of feeling that sense of satisfaction and completion, we can observe which of our various life endeavors bring us closest to that fullness.--Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic, Sister Outsider

I wonder what kind of world it might become if we simply learned how to love.

Kiss Up!

2011-07-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Shouldn't you kiss at the beginning of a date?

The custom in the U.S. is to kiss at the end of a date, which has romantic appeal. I offer three reasosn why kissing at the beginning of a date is more attractive:

1. It offers some small but routine level of commitment. It signifies right away that what each of you has in mind is something that goes beyond the usual structures (let's consider saying "restrictions" instead of "structures") of society, that "for you," the rules are not only different, they start from a different place entirely.

2. If you are of different minds as to whether the custom should be followed, i.e. one of you offers and the other refuses, you have some time set aside (and coming up immediately) to negotiate the matter instead of having a door slammed on it (usually literally!). The idea in dating is to facilitate commonality. It is not to secure one's "boundaries" to an airtight level of impenetrability, then dare someone else to undo one's good work. If there is a lack of understanding regarding the matter, it should get more talk time than what kind of wines one prefers. Moreover, if ulterior motives are at work, refusal can be a "tipping of the hand," as we say here in Las Vegas. If one person cannot stand to kiss the other, the issue of why there is a date scheduled at all is begged.

3. There is a strong possibility in my mind that the ideal is to kiss both at the beginning AND at the end of a date. Perhaps not, but wouldn't one err on the side of caution?

Apples

2011-07-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

I had an "alphabet book" when I was young. An "alphabet book" is a book pairing each letter of the alphabet with a word beginning with that letter. Mine also had a photograph and a short explanation of the word in question for each letter. The first word, the word for "A," was "apple." The photograph was of a large, red apple. The description talked about apples for a bit and ended with, "The first bite of an apple is the best, but the last bite is good, too."

That's what I think, too.

Carl reads "Whales Weep Not" by D.H. Lawrence

2011-03-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

I did a reading of a poem by D.H. Lawrence that I thought fit the PDAnation theme nicely. Here is the link to the video of the reading:

Carl reads "Whales Weep Not" by D.H. Lawrence

I looked over Lawrence's poem yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised at how the themes of public love, or at least overt love, and big love were handled so masterfully. It's almost like he wrote it just for the PDAnation YouTube channel. :)

We talk about sex and food at PDANation

2011-03-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

The Real Problem With Marrying For Money

2011-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

It is said:

"Marry for money and you'll earn every penny."

Does anyone actually take heed of this warning in practice? If anything, if you marry for anything ELSE, you are considered by this culture to be an idiot.

More to the point:

It is also said that you can have a lot of fun in the bedroom with someone you dislike. I know my way around the bedroom well enough to admit that there is truth to this proposition (excuse the term). But can you have any such real fun with someone you neither like nor dislike, indeed, someone for whom you have no "feelings" except enough contempt to have married them for money?

Response to P: Top Seven PLUS!

2011-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed the radio interview. I am not like my celebrated wife in one respect: I don't worry about "getting it all said" in such a venue but about getting in two or three major moments of impressive insight/cleverness out of ten or so that I prep to address intelligently. This is supposed to be a conversation, and I do worry about turning it into a lecture, especially one that isn't technically pertinent to (or workable within) the show format. I use the leftover airtime and the resulting slack to score style points: celebrity theory looms large in my lifestyle.

I do have an "agenda" where sexuality is concerned, however, and I don't want to leave the impression that I came to this blog with nothing to say about its most prominent issue. I could have continued for another two hours of interview time if I'd wanted to get really verbose. Here are the top seven issues about which I would have had the most to say:

1. MONOGAMISM The biggest racket in the history of civilization. I don't think the words "being set up to fail" are strong enough to describe the situation. But the absurdity continues, and one concludes that society is deliberately maintaining the standard, with heavy penalties for early withdrawal, because society loves nothing more than it does a good old-fashioned no-win scenario.

2. VEGAS It's odd that no one talks about local culture here, at least not the way one gets to hear about the vagaries of various neighborhoods (indeed, various STREETS) in New York City, e.g. Las Vegas is a major fashion center, an entertainment center of sorts, and has other claims to cultural presence, if not depth. Sin City has, in a way that most urban centers cannot even aspire to have, the potential to be a place with a lifestyle, not just a life. But it went in under eighteen months in 2007 and 2008 from being a strong economy and a "best-kept secret" to compulsively playing poor. Nobody wants to tell Vegas stories any more except about how we're all doomed unless we adopt all of Sandoval's budget cuts and let Harry Reid strip away (excuse the expression) the last elements of uniqueness about the place. There are several reasons why such posturing is poisonous not just to the construction and maintenance of valid local culture but to love and libido; it is almost enough to point out that it is so far from having a party atmosphere once you get half a mile off Las Vegas Boulevard that you begin to wonder if residents are deliberately having as little fun as possible until the "downturn" is over just to be on the safe side. "Paris in the spring" it ain't. P.S. Henderson is even worse, of course.

3. XENOPHOBIA A great deal of the airtime was spent talking about prejudice in one form or another. I could have talked about it a lot more, if I'd been inclined. To keep things as relevant to sex and sexuality as possible, I will just point out here that stigmatization doesn't mix well with the erotic, and conversely (and this is another point I could have discussed at length and may later), a greater emphasis in society on seeing to it that the erotic goes well would probably wash away a lot of the momentum of stigmatization.

4. SOCIAL CONTEXT The path leading to the bedroom is as interesting as what happens once everyone has assembled there. Placing sexuality in social context opens the discussion to a lot of the real dynamics at play, and it is exciting in its own right. Sexuality has a path that extends backwards some distance from the bedroom, a fact that some people know intuitively and others figure out rapidly.

5. CLINICAL SEXUALITY I've mentioned before in this blog that I have mixed feelings about clinical language having taken over "responsible" sexual discourse in the English-speaking countries. The case against begins with (1) Foucault's contention that attempts to turn sexuality into a discourse are coercive, and (2) the prevailing impression that sexuality is to be shaped to fit so that it doesn't interfere with the mores and mechanisms of society is a reversal of priorities: sexuality is a strong element of identity, and the goal of society should therefore be to preserve it, or at least to work around it. I stop just short of arguing that fucking is the only thing that IS relevant as a practical matter.

6. THE OTHER 95% OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION One of the more appalling elements of the culture on this continent is the belief that the residents are uniquely qualified to address sexual matters and to dismiss the possibility of contribution by offshore populations developing their own views of such matters. I leave the observation as its own case statement and speculate on how hypocritical it might finally be for such methodological mediocrity to go hand-in-hand with a supposed distaste for sexual assault, in symbolic forms as in material ones. As Spivak called for a "worlding of the world," I would call for a "worlding of the erotic" and of discussion about the erotic.

7. IT'S ALWAYS TIME FOR SEX I am suspicious of the partitioning that goes on regarding sex and sexuality: this time of day is not "appropriate," that location is not "appropriate," &c. I tend to think a lot of the boundaries have been set just to discourage and even to stigmatize sexuality itself: the real message behind fencing it in is that it is the sort of thing that deserves fencing in. The arguments for such boundaries should have and do have a heavy burden of proof to sustain. Otherwise, the idea that the local culture is "sex-positive" is as much of a joke, and for the same reasons, as the signs designating "free speech zones" that now dominate, and indeed could be said to define, the local culture.

Sexuality has endured despite centuries of attempts to end it, or to gear it exclusively to the ends of certain groups of people. I don't mean to imply above that all of the pissing in the pool by such oppressive social entities has ruined it or destroyed the possibility of its growth. I do mean to say that for the pissing in the pool to have reached the point where it is considered the "responsible" and "rational" approach to the subject is a real coup. And anyone who wants to engage in any other sort of potentially valid approach to the issue has to understand he is facing a discursive hypocrisy of legendary proportions. Perhaps the defining feature of the erotic is that it bugs the hell out of some people for no good reason and that these people have gone to great lengths to suppress it and hand each other laurels for their benevolence and wisdom in so doing. The net result is that the subject becomes closed for discussion, and everyone "just knows" that that is optimal. The oppressive effort didn't just have control as a goal; it had rectitude as one. It really wanted to be in the right. It isn't, and to know that it isn't is the beginning of the individual's journey towards real rewards in this area. Suddenly there is more to talk about than we can even fit into the day. But simultaneously, and for the most rewarding of "reasons," there is the release from the oppressive construction of "reason" and no obligation to "get it all said." And I did mention that that appealed to me, didn't I? :)

2011-02-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the intersection of sex and stigmatization ever since our appearance on Curvacious Bounty of SinCity las week. I've had a lot of insights on how sexuality is used to stigmatize, but possibly the most immediate is being baffled as to why anyone would want to sleep with a xenophoobe.

7 Things about Sex and Life I wish I had said last night

2011-02-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Carl and I made a guest appearance on the Curvaceous Bounty of Sin City last night. What fun! But alas, given how much we can talk forever, I walked away feeling like I had much more to say. So, in the light of day, here's my top 7 things I would have loved to discuss:

Dating -- in anticipating the show, Carl and I did a lot of talking about dating and the fact that we never really dated. We became friends, then friends with benefits and then we moved in together and then we got married. We did more dating, in the sense of going places and having fun, after we moved in together. Dating is so artificial and on this, the most artificial of "love" holidays, I guess that's a good message. If you get along with someone and let that grow, questions like where to go, what to do and who pays become irrelevant to just being together.

Sex with disabilities -- this may be a more taboo subject than fat sex. Fat sex has some respectability at least as a fetish. Preferring a larger partner is , well a choice, and while the sex police may tell us what we should and should not do, most regard personal desire as something that should not be questioned thoroughly. But choosing to have sex with a chronically ill person and a person with disabilities doesn't resonate with the desire question. While feminist friends were shocked at John Edwards' choice to have an affair while his wife Elizabeth suffered and eventually died from breast cancer, there was a part of me that understood him and his choices. I have a lot of guilt that my husband who was 8 years my junior and only in his early 30s when I became ill, found himself married and in love with a woman who was limited in her abilities to express and reciprocate that love and desire. It has not been easy and it has taken a lot of exploration, talking and understanding to create a sex life that is satisfying for both. And, that satisfaction is not always there. Carl's illness has moved us from a well partner/ill partner to a couple with disabilities, but that does not mitigate matters as much as one might think. This subject needs to be discussed openly because, well, there isn't much available to help.

Monogamy -- This might not seem like a subject that a couple who has been monogamous for 20 years would want to discuss, but it is one we have discussed, especially within the context of the point above. If you love someone and you are not able to provide for the sexual needs of the one you love, our society seems to condemn the unsatisfied partner to a life of sacrifice that not only limits the well partner's fulfillment but leaves the partner with disabilities burdened with guilt. This was a tough point for me. My brain told me that polyamorous arrangements were logical, but I was reared in monogamous society and my heart felt fear and jealousy. To me, this is about freedom and love. I cannot believe that tying a person down is compatible with freedom or love. So working through the feelings seemed the only option. I still have those feelings but I recognize them as leftovers of a way of viewing the world that doesn't make sense. I know that Carl stays with me because he loves me. If I had insisted that he stay because of my illness or disability, I would never know. I could live alone easier than I could live with not knowing.

Stigma -- I'm not sure if I said everything I wanted to say about stigma, but then I'm never sure if I can say it all. Here's what I want to say: fat liberation will not come simply because we feel good about ourselves and find a way to love ourselves. These things help because they minimize the impact that stigma has on our lives and because it is poor strategy to let the bigots tell you how to feel. But it doesn't change things all by itself. When I woke up this morning I thought about memes and repetition and I think this is what I missed saying last night. It has often been said "familiarity breeds contempt." But I believe that after that contempt, it leads to, well, familiarity. 100 years ago a sociologist named Georg Simmel wrote about the social process of encountering and eventually accepting strangers into one's social circles. One of the basic things he observed was that the extent to which a group perceived a stranger to be different, was the extent to which it was difficult to include a stranger. So strangers perceived as more "alike" were accepted faster and the social distance between the new comer and the group became smaller. Strangers perceived as "different" were held at a greater social distance and this might even be true after they were accepted by the group. Fat people being seen in media and cultural product as well as just out and about in public, not only provide "role models" as discussed last night, but they make fatness familiar. Instead of regarding fat people as more "different" than "alike," familiarity leads to an understanding of commonality and that commonality can lead to less stigma. In the same way as soldiers who figure out that the enemy is human with common aspirations, loves and needs, do not make very good soldiers, it is impossible to treat people for which we have things in common as "less than human."

Glee -- I don't know much about the show or the characters though I did read a lot about Lauren Zizes. One thing I meant to point out, but didn't get a chance to do is that when Lauren was first introduced the writer for the episode was not the show's creator and her character got a lot of negative media attention and blog attention. The latest episode that has created so much buzz was written by the creator of the show and I believe was a direct response to the critiques. This is a great example of cultural lobbying, which I think is probably more effective than political lobbying in fighting stigma.

Commercialization of Valentine's Day -- Love and sex are commodified in our culture and holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day are the high holies of that commercialization. I can only get am radio in the car and so I've been listening to ESPN radio a lot lately. I am mortified at the pressure that is being placed upon men for Valentine's Day. Apparently women are seen as only accepting expensive jewelry as a sign of love. Men are being told in ad after ad that they are in competition for their woman and that they must have an "edge" by buying the "right" gift that "tells her" what you feel (and underneath the message, gets him laid). The only pressure placed upon women in the ads I've heard is a local sexual dysfunction clinic advertising gift certificates to help men who don't perform as well as they used to. I cannot conceive of ever considering buying my man (or any woman buying for any man) a "gift" that says "you need viagra." How passive aggressive is that!

Deconstructing "clean" and "dirty" -- One of the aspects of the Curvaceous Bounty show is how explicitly the women discuss sex, their own sex lives and life in general. Las Vegas fits this well. But I have to admit that juxtaposing "clean" with "dirty" is problematic for me. Labeling words as "dirty" or "bad" worries me about as much as "bad" or "unhealthy" foods. Again, for me the first principal is freedom. Dichotomies limit freedom to two choices and pressure us to believe that only one of those choices is honorable. This is not a criticism of the choice to speak a certain way last night to appeal to Pat Ballard's fan base. I have no problem with choosing to gear a particular product to a particular audience and besides the forbidden aspect of the evening and the "slippages" in response to that constraint was fun, in the same way that sometimes it is fun to be coy as long as it leads to giving in. But I would have love to explore the myriad ways in which there are multiple levels of speaking about sex and that they do not have to be dichotomized into "clean" or "dirty" categories. But then I'm a geek and weird things like language turn me on.

So, I am now issuing a public challenge to my partner in crime and the main author of this blog. What, Mr. Foxy MBA, are your top 7?

I Am Not A Filmmaker

2010-10-04T13:22:00.001-07:00

After a conversation w/P this morning, the proposition that “I am not a filmmaker” seems even more attractive. The beauty part of choosing video over film is that it works nicely if what you want to do is not spend 99% of your time worrying about how pretty it is, a hole with no bottom if there ever was one. I’m capable of better things. OTOH, the craft element of the craft is making itself manifest to me, and although I may know more than enough about, e.g., editing as it is, I feel strongly that if I continue to learn about it, it will broaden my creative palate. It isn’t so much that I’m going for a “happy medium” here, it’s that my initial impulse to say “Screw the film schoolers, I only care if it’s legible,” has been overridden by the fact that I actually know something about the subject now and want to delay making any pronouncements about the subject, or maybe even defining the subject, until I’ve learned more. So as pathetic as it would be to turn into just another “pretty picture person,” to be informed only by that narrative and no others, it is perhaps a naïve analysis to conclude that “therefore” I am going to have a totally nuts-and-bolts approach to the matter. I think that there are considerations that are present beyond and despite the film nerds’ approach to the matter, a multitude of perspectives on this very promising medium, and I don’t want to make the mistake they have made of boiling it down to the point that no really good corn can grow given what is left. I am informed in my film and video pursuits by a number of valid and rewarding narratives, and to pick one as supreme would be a loss of potential not so much in myself but, worse yet, in what I could create.

Jack Kerouac

2010-05-30T17:43:00.001-07:00

I am (finally) reading _On the Road_, at Pattie's insistence. Here's a passage I thought worth reposting here.

[Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk -- real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious. ]

Indeed, and now, fifty years later, any attempt at "real straight talk about souls" is regarded as the antithesis of sophistication, a sure sign of a hick or, worse, a person trying to cover for not having been born independently wealthy. Or is my assessment of "America" overly clouded by living in a suburb of Los Angeles?

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Las Vegas: Taking the Fun out of Sin City

2010-05-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas has a reputation for being a "swingers' paradise," among people still usig the word "swingers." For my part, I find it to be relentlessly trashy, and nothing kills libido like pettiness. Like every resort town, Vegas imagines itself to be above the tourists who sustain it, and one way in which they differentiate themselves from those people is their refusal to enjoy, to take delight in, much of anything. Sure, there are events in the major hotels, but the so-called "locals' places" are a boring waste of time for the most part, even seedier and more intent on exasperating their clientele than the Strip properties. (It's a running gag around our house that "locals' casino" means "casino that is geared towards ripping off the locals rather than tourists.") The "need" for a tourist town to believe that it is the dominant one in relationships tells you right away how it constructs "relationships" and has other implications for the subject at hand.

If you can picture southern California with a little less education and a little more contempt for one's fellow man (and woman), you have visualized Las Vegas. We moved here three and a half years ago, and I have never seen a place go from promising to pointless so fast. I spend x% of my time dealing with the vagaries of volatility in business and investment, and even I can't find the words to describe it.

"Gee, Carl, what does this have to do with sex?" Nothing kills the mood faster than a good cocktail of malice and vacuity. If you're going to locate yourself within a basically empty culture, you're going to be consigned to basically joyless sexual encounters. I don't mean to say casual sex is bad: if it is, it's the good kind of bad. I mean to say that even casual sex has a social context. And the locals' predilection for draining the fun out of everything just so they know they're really the ones in control of the tourists and not vice versa extends to other matters. It's a habit they can't break (a popular theme in Sin City). No one wants to be bothered constructing a "meaningful relationship" every time he wants to hook up, but I challenge the reader to find me more than one person whose sex life has been improved by being restricted to people who have gone to such lengths to be impossible to deal with. After a while, the line between "dominatrix" and "irritating backwoods trailer girl who doesn't know when her act has worn thin" gets pretty clear.

On the way to mobility...

2010-04-10T13:13:00.001-07:00

...or how getting a mobility scooter improved my sex life.

Sex with disabilities is tricky. I've been chronically ill 13 of my 18 years of marriage and it has not always been an easy road. Creativity supplants flexibility. Being in love with your partner helps.

In the past few weeks, I've been using a mobility scooter for the first time. My feet are the most problematic part of my disability and I've used a cane almost full-time for about 6 years now. I was becoming increasingly homebound and not liking it at all. I got the scooter for to not be in pain when I walk and to reserve my energy so I can do more in a given day.

I did expect to see some results in the bedroom. For example, I expected that I would be more willing and more energetic if I wasn't worn out from activity.

But a little extra happened and I couldn't be more delighted!

You see in order to put the scooter in and out of the car, I have to disassemble/reassemble it. The consists of lifting 4 different components, weighing 10 to 30 lb parts. I bend my knees and try to use good form when doing this. I have good upper body strength so this has not been problematic for me and I have turned it into a nice little routine that is reminiscent of my weight training days. Well, after a couple of weeks of this, my upper body and my abdomen have become stronger. Where did I notice this first? Well, hubby notices in bed. Sure enough having stronger upper body muscles seems to be translating into better sex. And now I know why weight trainers everywhere emphasize "those all important abdominals." Who would have guessed?

So I'm not only more active! I'm really more active!

Maybe the scooter companies should pick up on this and do viagra type commercials. Good Morning! Good Morning!

Smartass One-Liner About Deceased Homosexual

2010-03-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

Pattie has just finished watching Milk on DVD. The film is a bioipic about Harvey Milk, openly-gay elected official from the San Francisco of the 1970's. While watching the extras, she informed me that there had been reports of his ghost being seen. I pointed out to her that reports of "a Milky white figure" did not necessarily qualify.

It's Official: Not Only Is Sex Healthy, Lack of It Is Less So

2010-03-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

LifeScript has put together an article on the health effects of sex. As it turns out, intimate relations play an active role in bolstering the physical well-being of the participants. While there are caveats (including the usual risks associated with such activity), there is a substantial health gap that can occur between those who are having sexual contact and those who aren't.

Noteworthy aspects of the material summarized in the article:

* The risks of avoiding contact are present for males and females alike.

* Orgasm played a significant part in the equation: less enthusiastic contact didn't suffice in certain respects.

* The pattern holds from culture to culture and across international boundaries.

* Having a partner works better than going it alone.

* The effects were not "merely" psychological: numerous tangible physical benefits are present.

* The "exercise benefits" did NOT make up the larger part of the positive health effects.

On a related note, a common criticism of clinical writing concerning sexuality is that it tends to be, well, overly clinical. However, I do enjoy seeing a certain amount of scientific acumen brought to bear on health issues, particularly on a topic about which there is so much outright falsehood accepted as unvarnished truth in popular discourse. "Science," especially the culture of science, has its drawbacks, but I still embrace the possibility that it can be a generally effective antidote for bullshit.

Existential Sex

2010-03-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Isn't the existential concept of "authenticity" absolutely essential to meaningful, long-term relationships? Not that sex has to take place solely within meaningful, long-term relationships, but I suggest that it's possible to have a meaningful, long-term relationship and still have reasonably good sex. Or am I just being a '70's reject?

On a related note, I know I'm the last person in the English-speaking world who understands the concept of "reciprocity," but I am convinced that reciprocity is essential to ANY kind of intimate relationship. The notion that the "relationship" is all the doing of one person and has nothing to do with the other is, all things being equal, invalid and probably an excuse for one person to play it both ways. One partner has "responsibilities," the other has "freedom." Reciprocity is only one argument for why such a subtext is fallacious (and, BTW, inauthentic).

These concepts seem immediatly obvious, but they are so removed from the subtext of "modern" discussion regarding intimacy that I feel like I really missed a memo at some point. Has there been some sort of definitive breakthrough regarding what human relations are "really" about? Or has it been just another case illustrating teh prrinciple that if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly? Was there just a general realization that while it is difficult to conduct relationships well, it is facile to conduct them poorly?

Dawn Dickson Makes Top Ten List

2009-11-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

Dawn Dickson, Atlanta PR pro/event planner and confirmed woman, has released (read: Tweeted, in installments) a Top Ten list of obvious pertinence to this blog:

Recent observations of female behavior has inspired me to come up with the "Top Ten Ways to Lose Your Man" here goes..(stating the obvious)

10. Pointing out his flaws/trying to change him: he is who he was the day u met him. Take it or leave it.

9. Talking too much (across the board): shut up sometimes and keep people out of your business! Exercise privacy

8. Comparing him to another man or your ex: he does NOT want to hear that shit

7. Gaining weight/fallin off/losing your "sexy" that got him: if he wanted a fat/homely chick he would have got one in the first place

6. Not cooking for him/cleaning the house: feed your damn man and wash/fold/iron his clothes. You be the woman, let him be the man

5. Not giving him space/nagging: If the man wants to play video games or watch sports all day leave him the hell alone!

4. Being too needy: Have a life/friends/hobbies/plans/money and IDENTITY of your own

3.Going thru his shit: phone/email/drawers/tryin to set him up with fake emails etc. You have no right to invade his privacy ever!

2. Using sex as leverage: NOT having sex with him is not a way to win a dispute or prove a point but it can surely push him to cheat

And the #1 way to lose your man..Not giving him HEAD on DEMAND (H.O.D.). Its important to your man! Learn to do it well and love doin it

If you're on point with #1 he may be able to overlook some of your indiscretions on #2-#10 lol

I don’t imply by posting Dawn’s remarks here that I agree with all of them. I don’t. In particular, #7 is simply misinformed. If your S.O. has to stay anorexic-thin to be sexy, that’s too bad; mine doesn’t.

However, it is commendable that someone out there sees no contradiction in pursuing a career in marketing and in addressing the erotic in her personal writings. I was never comfortable with the dehumanization of the gray flannel suit, and the accompanying axiom that desexualization makes good business. Dawn gets additional style points in my book for taking this rhetorical bull by the horns in the deep South. I did my MBA at Emory, so I can state with some assurance that Atlanta isn’t the American Third World the way, e.g., northern Florida is. But for Dawn to lay herself on the line in this manner knowing that her local business environment can be deleterious to young women who have their own thoughts on such subjects and don’t confine themselves to the usual (two) litanies in common use is still noteworthy. I expect, BTW, that the local business environment ought to be more scared of Dawn than she ought to be of them.

If you care to follow Dawn on Twitter, her ID is @THEDawnDickson. Her URL is www.DawnDickson.com.

2009-11-11T12:41:00.001-08:00

There's nothing wrong with being hungry.
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Terminology Issue

2009-10-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've never liked the sound of the word "masturbation. " It sounds overly clinical and a little condescending (doesn't clinical terminology always sound a little condescending?). I suggest the term be "practicing one's orgasms. "

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How Not To Take Cancer Too Seriously: A Paean to My Roommates

2009-10-04T17:43:00.001-07:00

While watching the Sunday Night (NFL) Football game on TV, Pattie noticed that the NFL was observing Breast Cancer Awareness Month, with pink ribbons, &c. She opined that if there were one aspect of women's issues of which men/footballers/ similar types would be aware, it would be breast cancer. Andrew, who was also watching the game, added, "Save The Breasts!" These people live with me.

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