Notes On My Not Yet "Coming Out"

I took a six-hour nap yesterday, and I followed it up with eight hours of overnight sleep. I have been very frightened that I am losing a part of myself, the part capable of understanding love, by not sleeping well. (Most people would be more scared by sleeping 14 hours out of 24, but I'm used to my sleep patterns being volatile since I contracted fibromyalgia.) At least my concern is more about whether I can bring all of myself to a relationship rather than whether I am enough of a property that I will be permitted to play the game at all. It is frightening enough being polyamorous (and chronically ill) in this society without having to worry about any stripped gears on my part.


There is a part of me that is very sad about what my new activities mean to Pattie. But she and I have talked about the matter for years, and we agreed that if it ever reached the point where her illness was hampering her to the point where she just didn't have the energy any more, I would be able to look elsewhere. Things have passed the point where a rational standard could be said to exist. But my being in the right (or, technically, our being in the right) hasn't made me any less sorry. I still feel small and sad.


Monogamy really is the last great taboo. It's the "perversion" that even self-identified "perverts" won't permit in others. It appears a common enough one, but the more "liberated" the standards become in a given area, the more restrictive they become. The trend strikes me as paradoxical, but perhaps the word "hegemonic" suffices to describe it, one group of people selling a second group of people down the river to get in good with a third group of people. (Political indignation does soften the stings somewhat.)


But I find myself so dreading a sacrifice of my integrity and of my authenticity that I don't even raise the issue. Do I really have to go to the Strip on weekends and get blitzed to bridge the gap? Would I have to do something that would make me deteriorate even more? It doesn't seem like this sort of thing would be regarded as incompatible with good health and healthy life. Or is it only okay when your "physician" signs off on it?